|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
|
*quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack* I had to work yesterday. My skin has been acting weird and when I'm at work I feel like the work costume looks like pajamas, thus the combination of those two things makes me feel like a hobo. So then all day I was lamenting that I look like a hobo... I was working as fast as I could to get all of my stuff done because I was given extra work to do this week plus I lost a day because I had to teach for a day outside of the store. One of the new managers got upset at me because I got upset at her for coming into work a half hour early, which forced me to interrupt what I was in the middle of doing to unlock the building for her. I asked her if she was mad and she said no, but interrupted my meeting with everyone to rudely say I was being confusing during my morning meeting with the girls before we opened the store. Then during the meeting one of the girls was being kind of a b*tch to me too so then I felt myself feeling angry. After that I talked to the manager first, where she reluctantly admitted that she was upset but that she would get over it. The rest of the day I was racing to get all of my stuff done plus help the hoards of shoppers on a Saturday, only for my boss to claim I need to work on my "time management" as I am leaving, because I didn't get ONE thing done by the end of my shift. *:sigh:* But during work my very sweet mechanic fixed my car, so I didn't have to rely on other people to get back and forth to work! Hurray! But then I found out the cost of fixing my car was HUGE, so that was not so yay. Only my mechanic is nice and is giving me a month to pay. Today I budgeted out all my money because of my car bill. I will "just" barely make it through to the end of this month, but when I think about it, I think that if this is the worst of my problems then I'm actually really lucky. I just hope all my friends understand when I can't go out with them for the next few weeks. Today I sold some books and hung out with my baby Brother, who is the best cook ever. My life is a mess but it is a beautiful one. :)
Love,
Eva
| | |
|  Hella Present. It is nearing two am. I got home around 11:30 and there was so much I needed to do after work tonight and instead I've just been winding down, watching comedy shows and planning out where my next haircut should be. I struggle with doing things for myself, things like haircuts or anything else having to do with my own upkeep. I've never been that kind of girl and fear things that can be taken to excess. It isn't that I don't do them, I think I caution myself not to go overboard with anything really mostly because it is so easy to do for anyone.
I saw a commercial on TV preaching to women to be fearless. I made a snotty remark to myself when I saw it, maybe because I know how afraid I am of so many things, that it hits a nerve, yet nonetheless I abhor it. This is because fear is a natural response. We can be quick to attach a negative connotation to it's existence and yet it serves it's own purpose, and to an extent, actually a healthy one.
This morning I woke up and I was feeling upset about my current job situation, but then I began to think that again this is a natural response for me. It has been safe for me to stay where I am. I'm not completely happy but I'm not putting myself on the line either. Today my boss called me in and said she needs my resume. She is helping me apply for two jobs that begin being interviewed for next week and there is a lot of competition. She said I've put in my dues and I really deserve a big break. She professed so much faith in me. In my heart I care for her very much, but also I think a huge part of her motivation to help me is because she wants me to stay with the company. I struggle with that, in fact I was wholeheartedly unenthused at her news, despite the fact that she was helping me. I just couldn't be genuinely excited because I can't stop thinking about what else is out there for me, what have I not done that I should be trying to do rather than staying with the program. I wonder if wandering is the better option, despite the threat of losing stability and security.
My natural response, like fear, is there for a reason. Thinking of the worst that could happen has always been easy for me and I always am mindful and better prepared to deal with those things, despite my taking grand measures to avoid. I am so confused. Several nerves innervate through the gastrointestinal tract. I wonder if that's why when my mind whirls, so does my tummy. Yeesh. I always seem to have mixed feelings about all things all of the time.
What am I supposed to do? I asked a friend of mine a year or so ago to tell me to stop being so scared and just do what I want to do. That is what I should be doing but I can never make up my mind. I only daydream and wish for greener pastures but then have difficulty bringing these ideas to life.
What must I do?
Love,
Eva
| | |
|
This is me again. Here in my present of presents....
I haven't had to be at work in Walnut Creek for two weeks. First I was teaching at Sephora University and then I was on vacation. I went to Vegas with my mom. Don't get me wrong, I'm not much of a gambler. There is so much more to do there than just that! There are shows and hundreds of shops and nearby outlets and buffets just about every block. It was nice to get some bonding time.
A lot of the time on my days off I'll be hanging out with friends. I don't always make my Mom a priority, despite that we live together. I really wanted to do something special just for us. I worry about her a lot. Today she came home and said how much she hates her life. My Dad has been out of a job for about a year now and still hasn't found anything. Mom is carrying the family and I think it has become a really daunting burden for her.
I am always pitching in. I buy groceries and do things for myself so that I'm not a burden. I have so much of my own stuff that I'm trying to deal with too. Sometimes I dont know how I'm going to get everything together so that I can move. I have all of these bills, many of which are either medical or debts accrued while I was in college and now I have car loans on top of that. I hate to think that money would have such a hold on me. Lately I think that if this is the worst of my worries, then all in all I'm a lucky girl.
Honestly tho, I hate my job. I hate it so much. I am literally cringing at the thought of having to go back. "Then why don't you do something about it, Eva?" I continually ask this of myself. My problem is, it just isn't that easy for me. I always have to have a plan and know exactly what I'm doing. I want to be responsible and be able to fend for myself and the idea of just leaving my job seems so wreckless.
It is daunting too to ponder looking at other employers and having to prove myself to absolute strangers. I am smart. I am capable. But even I have those days where I'm tired and have no energy and I sadly wonder, "How would this be acceptable at any other job?"
This yearning for energy and perfection is poisonous. I need to stop telling myself that if I were hepped up on caffeine and did everything perfectly all the time that my life would be any better. I need to stop thinking that if I were the most beautiful girl in the world then boys (and not married boys or guys with girlfriends) would be falling into my lap and I wouldn't feel so alone anymore.Times are hard, but they are hard for everyone and in all stages. We want a lot of things and those things aren't the answer to contentment. You find that in yourself.
All I can say is that I love my friends and the people I have had the opportunity to get to know have taught me so much. I am maturing and getting stronger, even when I think I am weak and can never seem to get anywhere. I hope all that acknowledges and imbibes you will come to you right as you need them.
Love,
Eva
| | |
| 
Here in the present:
Pictured above is my sweet friend Anielka and her puppy Pixel. They live in Oaxaca, Mexico right now. Her boyfriend writes there and recently got published in October's Food & Wine magazine. I am so proud of them. They put Pixel up for a cuteness contest! You can vote for Pixel here: http://tinyurl.com/votepixel
I want to go back to Oaxaca, Mexico for vacation. I don't have any money right now but I think I could go as long as my next paycheck covers the cost of the flight. I just have to work out dates for when I can go. Oy vey, I am so broke right now.
I found a place to donate my car to. I am donating it to charity. This is exciting! I will be very sad to see my car go, but knowing that it will help people makes me feel a lot better. I think that planning things ahead and writing them up on that calendar really does work. It gets me motivated. I like it.
I get stressed out very easily lately. Earlier today I couldn't stay logged in to research who can pick up my old car and I got very angry. I wished that I had a punching bag or something because I'd gotten so very upset. I'm sure that some of it has to do with PMS. I wonder if there are good vitamins to take during that womanly time of the month. This week I've just felt so out of it and I had that bad day where everything seemed to be going wrong and I cried. Here and now I still have the very same situations I was in on that day, but I feel much more hopeful about it right now than I did on that day.
Azu, I wish that you lived closer to me than you do. I would go to the gym with you and you could talk to me about Nan things. I love you very much. I want to exercise more too, like you! I don't get enough exercise and I haven't been eating as well as I could. I could be doing so much better.
I know in my last few entries that I've been a bit hard/down on myself. I call myself lazy. I was referring to myself as a lazy fatass when I was talking to some friends online. Of course I was joking and said it in a very sarcastic tone, but honestly there are times where I am being very hard on myself too. I look in the mirror and feel like I am a total slob and I'm not doing enough to be the best that I could be.
It is a balance of accepting my limitations and reaching my goals. I think a very important thing for me to focus on is the worth of my current identity. You see shows like What Not to Wear with Stacy and Clinton. They always say to wear the clothes that fit you now, not the way you wish you could be. I need to be happy with the girl that I am now, and not be so hard on myself that I'm not exactly where I would like to be. I think if I earnestly try to work hard, to find solutions for the things that frighten me, and just be the person that I am that those things I want will become realized or at least that I'll continue to grow and develop as a person.
When I was young I felt as if there was nothing else I really needed to learn, that I had figured out just about everything that was necessary in life. Now I know, every day I realize that there is so much more I have to learn and a great lack of awareness on my behalf of so very much. I earnestly want to be more aware, more kind, both to myself and to others.
I earnestly thank you for your love and attention.
Evangeline
| | |
|  Here in the present:
Craig Ferguson got it right tonight, "If you're not with someone that loves you, you're an idiot." Truer words have never been spoken. He stated this in reply to a viewer who e-mailed him about appreciating his wife as being his "biggest critic". I think we often prey victim to being with people who don't love us the way we deserve. Most people get the love they "think" they deserve, and sadly so many of us do not love ourselves as well as we should. We are all so very hard on ourselves.
I had a dream last night where Jonathan sat with me and talked to me about everything going on in my life. I told him about everything I wanted to do and about Grandma, how she and I spend lots of time together and are bonding and sharing many books. She is one of the only people in my family who enjoys reading as much as I do. Whenever Jonathan is in a dream I can tell him all things and he understands. Sometimes he is so different in my mind. I feel so very connected to him always.
He called me last night but I was away. I should call him more because he is here. I have a difficulty with calling sometimes. I need to call my cousin tomorrow too. She has been sick in bed for two weeks with some kind of infection that is making it hard for her to walk. She is going to seek a possible diagnosis at UCSF. I am keeping her in my thoughts.
I pray for God to help me improve my work-ethic. I am so inherently lazy. Not only lazy, but fearful as well. I was talking to Anielka about it tonight. Many of the things I want to do, require hard work and I have not put in the time. Part of it is I begin to feel the ambition to go after something but then fail to take actions towards these things because the fear paralyzes and then knocks me down. What if this...what if that. All of it seems more than I want to handle and so passively I allow it to pass away to another day or time...when I am braver. The day will not come. The moment will not fall into my lap. I must seek it out.
Annie wags her finger at me about my fear. She says all I need is prodding and cheerleaders to remind me that I can. She said that before she got into Harvard, Douglas was always having to tell her just to try and that she had the brains to do it. She does so very well in school. She gets A's and is so very proud of herself and posting pictures of her very wide smiles. She wants me to come back to visit her in Oaxaca for Day of the Dead. I want to go back too. My boss told me that I could take a week off for vacation. Money is tight but maybe I will go back there. I need to see her, she is my very good friend.
I tried something that worked out well for me. I started writing on the family calendar things I planned to accomplish for the day. Tuesday I did the cleaning I hadn't gotten around to. I was very proud of myself. It is a small victory but getting things done around here has been my weak spot that I want to strengthen. While doing dishes the other day I was trying to figure out how I got to be this way, so lackluster lazy.
I think the most glaring aspect of this began in high school, when I first started slacking and not working as hard as I could. Although I remember small bursts of my childhood too, where Dad would ask me to do something and I'd find a reason not to do it right away. As a child, I remember that when he asked me to do things it really hurt so I didn't want to do them right away. In high school, I was really depressed and had a really difficult time at home. I really can't divulge further in a public blog, but you all know what I'm talking about. Being out of the house doing community service and spending time with friends was kind of an escape from everything I had to experience and so less of my focus went to excelling in school and I began to pursue more of an interest in acceptance and a social life. I was dangerously boy crazy too, perhaps because I wasn't allowed to date. I spent hours of my time figuring out what boy would make all my dreams come true and whisk me away from the nightmare I was living, but these are all tangents.
Working hard was no longer any benefit to me and now over the years, I've solidified some bad habits that I really must break. It is difficult, but I must re-learn a work ethic that doesn't just apply to things I'm interested in and even if initially there is great discomfort experienced in trying to accomplish these things. Otherwise I will be caught in this static situation and I will not grow as a person. I must grow. I must learn to be more courageous.
Thank you for being my listeners. Thank you for being my friends.
Love,
Eva
| | |
|
Premium
